#6 The Missing Happiness Ingredient; Why Don’t We Talk About This?
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There is something we rarely talk about, weren’t taught growing up, and yet is guaranteed to:
Maximize your happiness when times are good,
Help you barrel through adversity when times are rough, and
Thrive in your relationships.
And that is: How to grow your muscle of Emotional Intelligence.
To illustrate how powerful this is, let me share something personal with you:
At one stage of my life, I struggled very hard with:
Depression
Grief after the loss of multiple loved ones
PTSD from my job as a firefighter, and
Chronic pain from a disabling injury
This led me to such a dark place that I had suicidal ideations.
Yet now, I wake up almost every day with a huge smile on my face, and go to bed feeling happyAF, regardless of what life throws at me.
I'm able to easily handle any adversity (from big stuff like the recent loss of my mom, to little stuff like waiting in line for hours with infinite patience).
I also never lose my temper anymore, even when some A-hole cuts me off in traffic.
Plus, I'm able to teach my kiddos how their minds and emotions work, and how to navigate and process their difficult circumstances.
I share all of this, not to brag or impress you, but to impress upon you what's possible when you grow that Emotional Intelligence muscle.
And starting today, we're kicking off a series on how to do just that.
Let’s Connect!
For more bite-sized happiness tips, follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thejoespector
Resources to increase your inner peace and maximize your happiness:
Download my free mental & emotional fitness eBook, Your Guide to Grit Growth & Gratitude: https://www.thejoespector.com/opt-in
Check out my free meditations to shut off the monkey mind and crank up the good vibes: https://www.thejoespector.com/meditations
MORE FREE STUFF ALERT!
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Episode #6 Transcription
I am so excited to share with you today because what I have on tap is guaranteed to improve your life in every area. And I know that sounds like a ridiculously bold claim, but it's a hundred percent true. And to illustrate that point, let me share that at one stage of my life, I struggled so hard with depression, grief after the loss of multiple loved one.
P T S D for my job as a firefighter. Chronic pain from a disabling injury, you name it, life threw it at me. And this led me to such a dark place that I legitimately had suicidal ideations. But yet now I wake up literally every day happy as can be with a smile on my face, no exaggeration, and I go to bed feeling the exact same way, regardless of what life throws at.
I crush all my goals. I stack up good days and I'm able to handle and process all of the adversity life throws at me from the big stuff like the recent loss of my mom to the little stuff like waiting in line for hours at a time with infinite patience and I never lose my temper anymore. Even when some A-hole cuts me off in traffic.
I'm just like back to the music and back to enjoying my. And I'm also able to share with my kiddos how their minds and their emotions work, and how they can navigate and process their difficult circumstances. And I share all of this with you, not to brag or impress you, but to impress upon you what's possible.
And starting today, we're kicking off a series on the one skill that I attribute all of this to, and you do not wanna miss it. So stick around. Just because you are struggling doesn't mean you are. Remember that. Remember that. Welcome to the Grit, growth and Gratitude podcast with Joe Specter, where we teach hardworking and growth oriented people, how to maximize their happiness and master their minds and emotions and emotions.
And now your host. He's a retired firefighter and mental and emotional fitness teacher. After sustaining a career ending injury, the loss of multiple loved ones and a very near miss with suicide, he rebounded his wellness with a vengeance to gain unshakable inner peace, and ridiculously unreasonable happiness.
This is Joe Specter. Hello. Hey, the stuff I'm talking about today is guaranteed to maximize your happiness when times are. Help you barrel through adversity when times are rough, crush your goals and thrive at work and in your relationships. But before I get into it all, I gotta throw out a little disclaimer that I use profanity in today's episode.
So it's definitely not appropriate for all audiences, but it is appropriate for you, which is awesome because what we're talking about today is probably the most important skillset that you can learn as a human being. And I realize how ridiculously insane that statement sounds, but it's no exaggeration.
And what I'm referring to is the skillset of building your muscle of emotional intelligence. What? I'm not working on my emotional muscles, bro. It's arm day. Yes you are. Damn it. This muscle is way more important. So listen up and don't just take my word for it. I'm obviously just some dude. Instead, take the word of a different.
His name is Darwin Nelson, and unlike me, he's a psychologist and he's an expert in emotional intelligence. And what Darwin has to say is that emotional intelligence is the single most important influencing variable in personal achievement, career success, leadership, and life satisfaction. Think about that for a second.
One thing is the single most important influencing variable in all of those areas of your life. And if you're like me, I didn't get emotional intelligence skills growing up at home or in school. In fact, I have no idea what's wrong with these people. They're like standardized testing. We definitely need.
Algebra. Oh yeah. We gotta make 'em learn that. Hey, what about that one thing that we know is the single most important influencing variable in personal achievement, career success, leadership, and life satisfaction? Hmm. Nah. Fuck 'em. Let 'em figure that shit out on their own. Thanks a lot, you jerk. So obviously we weren't set up for success by learning this amazing skill from the get-go, but we're here now, so let's talk about it.
What is emotional intelligence? It's basically the mastery of two different skill sets that affect almost every element of your life. The first is self-awareness, and when you hear that, if you're thinking to yourself like, oh, self-awareness, I got that in the bank. I'm looking in the mirror, I can see that I exist.
I know I'm me. Self-awareness check. Boom, not so fast. This just in as human beings, we are naturally not very aware of our own patterns, habits, behaviors, and emotions. And that's what this type of self-awareness is referring to. So when you have a high level of emotional awareness, you know exactly how you're feeling at all times.
And you can put a name to those feelings from the big ones, like frustration, anger, rage, happiness, and joy to the more subtle in between feelings. And you're also super aware of how you're communicating to other people, what your facial expressions and your body language look like, and what message that's sending to whoever you're trying to communicate with.
And the second skillset is emotional processing and regulation. And that my friends, is the superpower. Because what that means is that you have the ability to consciously choose how you respond, react and communicate. In any given circumstance based on your awareness of all of those patterns, triggers, and emotions that we just talked about, and you're also able to amplify and experience all of the good vibe emotions, which is where the magic in life really is.
Like happiness, joy, hope, optimism, love, connection. Do I need to go on? It's the good. It's radical emotional maturity, and you want it, trust me, because when we lose our temper easily, like let's say you're in traffic and somebody cuts you off and you're just laying on your horn, you're like so pissed off, you're flipping 'em off.
Your kids are in the backseat watching you. That's basically the adult version of throwing a temper tantrum, and that is emotional rookie. And being a rookie is totally wack. You're a mature warrior and that's why you're here. You're not a rookie and you know that there are very few things in this life that you can control.
You can't control the weather how other people drive, what other people say and think about you. But the one thing you can control if you work hard on it, is how you respond to those things, and that is where the true power lies. And it all starts with taking a deep dive and a strong observational awareness into how our minds and our emotions work.
And that's exactly what we're gonna be doing in this series. Let's use sailing as an analogy. If you don't beef up these emotional intelligence skills, you're just totally at the mercy of the current and the wind. But when you become super aware of your mind and your emotions and how to process them effectively, Then you harness their power and you're able to use them as a navigation tool.
All of a sudden your emotions and your triggers and your behaviors and all of these things that used to cause you trouble and conflict in your relationships. Now they're your greatest strengths and you use them to set boundaries, crush goals, understand people better, make awesome decisions, and have beautiful, loving connection in your relationships, which is obviously awesome.
Okay, Joe, you sold me on emotional intelligence. How do we get started? Well, before I answer that, you gotta take a quiz and don't worry, you're not gonna be graded. Just answer these questions honestly for yourself. Number one, do you have a deep awareness of your own emotions, strengths, limitations, principles, values, and your passions?
And if so, can you easily articulate all of those things? Number two, do you have such radical self-confidence and self-acceptance that no matter what people say or think about you, it doesn't phase you at all because you know that your value can't be diminished and that it comes from within. And number three, when you make mistakes, do you have the ability to grow and learn from them, and then let them go entirely and not beat yourself up or give them a second thought?
Don't worry. We're almost done here, but I do have three more questions and before I ask them, let me just share something with you. In general, I live by my principles and my values. I do the right thing, and when I make mistakes or screw up, I correct it and I make amends, and so therefore, I honestly usually don't give a fuck what people think about me.
I know that my value and my confidence come from within. And haters are gonna hate regardless, right? But the exception to that is on my little island . Of people whose opinions I do care about. And those are my loved ones, and the people who I lead and who I have relationships with that I care about. And like Maya Angelou said, people will forget what you said.
They'll forget what you did, but they'll never forget the way you made 'em feel. And I care deeply about how I make those people feel. And that's who I'm talking about when I ask these last three questions. So, if you were not in a room with your loved ones, your coworkers, your best friends, the people on your little island, and they were talking about you, would they say, number one, that you have a huge amount of empathy and sensitivity and concern for others?
Number two, that you always take responsibility for your mistakes and you exemplify radical accountability. And lastly, number three, would they say that not only do you know how to manage your emotions effectively and keep your composure in difficult situations, but that you're so good at it, that you know how to teach them how to do the.
All of those questions reflect the characteristics that a strong emotional intelligence game will bring you. And if you were able to answer yes to all of those questions, that's obviously awesome. But if you weren't, that's awesome too, because you were able to be honestly introspective and you're here now and you're ready to learn and grow, which is a sign of radical emotional maturity.
So either way, you're already on the. Okay, quick check in. We learned what deep self-awareness is, and we have a baseline as to where we're at with it. Now, how do we improve our self-awareness so that we can start reaping all those benefits? Well, I'm glad you asked before. We can take a deep dive into our own personal patterns, triggers, behaviors, communications, and emotion.
We have to have a little bit more of a deeper understanding of how human emotions work in general, because emotions are tricky and what you see is definitely not what you get. In fact, in a weird way, emotions are a lot like little children. And what do I mean by. Well, I hope you don't think I'm being a total dick here.
I'm just being honest. But in my house, kids can be very challenging and a huge pain in the ass. And the same goes for emotions. It's a huge pain in the ass and very challenging to not be having fun or to be angry and lose your temper or to be sad and anxious. And the flip side to that is just like with your kiddos, your emotions are also responsible for the most beautiful experiences that you'll have.
Think about it. Have you ever been in love or just laughed so hard with a friend that your belly hurt and you were crying? It's magical. And those are emotions too. And like I said, in order to experience all of those good vibes, emotions to the fullest, we've gotta be in tune with the entire picture and know exactly what we're looking at.
And so to illustrate this a little bit further, let me move on to how our emotions are like little kids in a different way. They love hid. Take my kids, for example. They freaking love hiding. Even though they're getting a little bit older, it's ridiculous. They still love playing hide and seek, and whenever a slumber party is over, for some reason they think that if one kid hides in the closet, that the other kid's parents are just gonna leave and not take them home.
It's just silly and it's fun. And sometimes my kids will even hide under a blanket, like on the. And they know, I could see this human size lump under the blanket, but they just don't care because they love hiding and it's fun for them. And that's super cute and harmless, right? But that's where the similarity stops.
And the comparison doesn't really hold true because hidden emotions have serious consequences to your happiness and your wellbeing. And why do our emotions hide? Well, there's a number of reasons for this. First, they like to hide so that you don't have to process them because it's a very uncomfortable experience.
Like if you've only ever expressed anger and you've never cried or walked through grief and sadness, it's very challenging. And sometimes, like in my case, Nobody modeled for me how to process and experience emotions, so I never really learned how when I was a kid, and sometimes as a kid you might be taught that it's not okay to be sad or it's not okay to even have feelings or express your feelings.
Sometimes we shove our own feelings down because we don't want to feel weak or vulnerable. Have you ever experienced that? I definitely have. Here's a personal example from my own. One time when I was in my twenties and I did not have the emotional processing skills that I have now, I shoved some grief way down because I was just super uncomfortable with it, and I honestly just didn't want to feel it anymore.
And when I did that, The grief was like, hide and seek. Heck yeah, man, this is my jam. You will never find me, bro. And those feelings, they did stay hidden really well and for such a long time that I actually thought they had resolved themselves. But unfortunately it doesn't work that way. And eventually they came back with such a fierce vengeance that it bit me in the ass big time.
So here's how that went down. When I was 24, my best friend died of an accidental overdose. And obviously that was a very hard thing for me to deal with. And I was just sitting in this discomfort and I didn't really know what I was feeling or how to process. I just knew I didn't like it. And so after two weeks I was like, fuck this.
I can't feel this anymore. I'm done. I'm moving forward. In fact, this is how I'm gonna honor my friend because that's what he would want me to do. He would want me to put on my happy face, put my best foot forward and move on. Plus I gotta get my head back in the game at. So I'm done with this, and so I shove those feelings down.
I like gritted myself into kind of moving forward. And what's crazy is several years went by because feelings are so good at hiding, and I honestly didn't think too much about it. I compartmentalized it and I repressed it. And then in my thirties, the first dog that I ever owned on my own as an adult died.
And that just crushed me. It was so hard for me. Seriously. It was so painful. I just love my dog so fiercely. And then five days later, my grandma died and I was so close to her too. So it was just like left, right, two deaths in one week, and it was just so hard and painful and it would've been bad enough.
But then that hidden grief from years ago when my best friend passed. It could no longer contain itself because of the vulnerable state I was in. And so just like when my kids are hiding under that blanket and I rip it off and the jig is up and there's nowhere for them to hide anymore. That's how my grief was about my friend.
So now all of a sudden, not only was I struggling to deal with the grief of my dog and my grandma that week, but then I started having these gnarly, vivid, lucid nightmares about my friend in the hospital and a whole bunch of other stuff. It was rough. And so I had to deal with that grief too. I had to process it because I didn't do it properly before and it hid really well for several years, and then it reared its head at the most inconvenient and worst possible time.
And obviously that's a really heavy example. But the same concept holds true with the small challenges and the little traumas in our lives that we face every. And if you're a human being and you've lived a few decades on this planet, then whether you're aware of it or not, trust me, you have had some challenges and some traumatic experiences.
You've either lost a loved one or you've had difficulty with parenting or marriage. Or maybe you've had job experiences that were rough or you've been made to feel not valued, or you've been embarrassed. I mean, we're human beings. Shit happens. You have some difficulties stored up inside of you, and so it's way better to expose and process them on your own terms rather than letting them play, hide and seek for getting they're there, and then having them jump out at you in a really difficult and amplified way at a time.
That's terribly inconvenient. And that's gonna bring us to the end of today's episode. Next week we'll finish learning about the complex and tricky nature of emotions, and then we'll get into all the action that we can do with that information so that we can avoid all the pitfalls and negative consequences that we talked about today, as well as amplify all the benefits and soak in the awesomeness that life has to.
And as we close out, I just have two key S that I'd like you to remember. Number one is that emotional intelligence might just be the most important skill that you ever learn in order to live a life full of maximum happiness, true clarity, and inner peace and radical resiliency. And number two is that the first step in achieving radical emotional intelligence begins with a deep awareness and understanding of how our minds and emotions work.
And just like with little kids, our emotions hide and they get into all sorts of mischief, and they can seriously wreck shop if left unattended. But with your emotional intelligence, muscles being flexed, you get to be the adult in the relationship and put their asses in their place. And on that, I'll leave you with a quote by a gentleman named Warren Benness, who before he passed away was widely considered one of the greatest experts in leadership.
He said emotional intelligence more than any other factor, including IQ or expertise. Accounts for 90% of your success in life and at work. You need IQ and expertise, but it doesn't make you a star. Emotional intelligence is what makes you a star, and you, my friend, are a badass, bright, shining star.
Believe it. Thank you so much for listening today. Before you head out the door entirely, I want to ask you to do something. Check out my free guided meditations. There's a link in the show notes, and they're designed to help you foster and grow the exact awareness skills that we talked about in today's episode.
Other than that, stay calm, stay strong. Peace. Thanks for listening. This has Ben Grit, growth and Gratitude with Joe Specter. Your source for mental and emotional fitness. Just because you're struggling doesn't mean you are failing. Remember that?
