#4 How to Reframe Negative Thoughts/Emotions, and Create New Healthy Habits
Do you have stress, anger, worry, repetitive thoughts, or bad habits that you really wanna say goodbye to, but no matter how hard you try, these things just keep on taking up valuable real estate in your mind?
If so, why is that?
It’s because the brain is tricky, and what you resist actually persists.
For example, try not to think about a pink elephant….can you do it? Most likely not.
That’s because you can't stop thoughts, habits, and emotions by trying to stop thoughts, habits, and emotions.
So how do you flip the script, and take control of your mind and emotions?
Today I answer that exact question with a badass mind-hack that you can start using immediately.
Episode #4 Transcription
Can you relate to this? You have stress, anger, repetitive thoughts or bad habits that you really want to say goodbye to, but no matter how hard you try these things, just keep on taking up valuable real estate in your mind. Of course, you can relate to that. You're a human being, but why is that?
Well, to answer that question, I'm just gonna have to issue you a challenge. Don't think about a pink elephant. Don't think about it. Can you do it? Of course not. You know that elephant is hanging out rent-free in your head space right now. Why? Because the mind is very tricky and what you resist actually persists.
So then how do we stop those repetitive thoughts, feelings, and bad habits that we don't? That is a great question to find out the answer. Stick around. Just because you are struggling doesn't mean you are failing. Remember that. Remember that? Welcome to the Grit, growth and Gratitude podcast with Joe Specter, where we teach hardworking and growth oriented people, how to maximize their happiness and master their minds and emotions and emotions.
And now your host. He's a retired firefighter and mental and emotional fitness teacher. After sustaining a career-ending injury, the loss of multiple loved ones and a very near miss with suicide, he rebounded his wellness with a vengeance to gain unshakable, inner peace, and ridiculously unreasonable happy.
This is Joe Specter. Hello, my name is Joe, and I am so excited to share a transformational exercise with you today that you can implement immediately to improve your mental and emotional fitness and your overall wellbeing. But before I do, I gotta throw out a little disclaimer that I use profanity in this episode.
So please use your discretion. And that being said, what I'm teaching on here today is a pretty awesome mind hack, and it's really one of the first steps towards your freedom from thoughts and behaviors that you wanna break from, but that you just haven't been able to conquer. And to illustrate just how powerful this behavior hack is that I'm about to teach, I'm gonna share a personal story with you, and this is one of those times where I'm gonna be totally honest and vulnerable with you here because I really want to share how helpful and powerful this is.
But it also kind of sucks to admit this stuff out loud, and it's a little bit embarrassing. So please cut me some. Okay. That being said, when I was in my early twenties, I had two different personality traits that were really unflattering. I had pretty severe anger problems and I was super judgmental, which I freaking hate even saying out loud.
But anybody who's gotten to know me in like the last 10 or 15 years, including my kiddos, is super shocked when they hear me talking about this stuff because I honestly don't struggle with these issues at all anymore, which is freaking awesome. But before I explain how exactly I conquered them, I wanna share how I became aware of them.
How did I know that I was judgmental and that I had anger issues? Well, sadly, my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, she let me know that on a few occasions my anger was starting to scare her because I would lose my temper and I would yell and scream and punch holes in walls like just hulking up out of sheer rage.
And obviously on the one hand, in retrospect, I hate that . I had that behavior. because it hurt her and it scared her. and it was just awful. But at the same time, if you're in that same boat, I do have some grace and some compassion on my younger self because I was a young man with like surging testosterone and nobody had ever talked to me about anger or emotions or how to process feelings and manage that.
But regardless, it needed to be fixed. And even though it should have been so obvious at the time when she told me how much it was scaring her and bothering her, oh man, it hurt. I mean, it hurt so bad. It was embarrassing. But more than anything, it made me feel so sad that I made her feel that. I mean, I was scaring her and making her feel uncomfortable.
It was just awful. And then around that same time period, I also got confronted by some close friends of mine who decided they needed to share some difficult truths with me about how judgemental I was. And obviously that one hurt too, right? I was basically learning the tool of self-awareness, which is amazing to have, and I was learning it through the guidance of my good friends and my girlfriend.
But self-awareness is also kind of hard when like me, you realize. That the way you're conducting yourself and the way you're emoting and your behavior pretty much sucks and is hurting other people. But in my opinion, it's your best friends who are the ones who are willing to share the difficult truths with you.
And I am so glad in retrospect that I got called out on this one. It's like when you have food in your teeth or a booger in your nose, you know it always hurts a little bit when your buddy points it out to you. But would you rather him notice and be too scared to confront you or want to spare your feelings and then all of a sudden your new nickname is Food Teeth Booger?
Nose? Obviously not. And again, I am so glad that they did because now I'm so far from judgmental and angry that it really feels weird even talking about. And the judgmental one was surprising to me too, like the anger. I was just young and unconscious and idiotic. Like when my wife brought it up to me that my anger was bothering her, it kind of clicked and I was like, oh yeah, okay.
I literally punched a hole in a wall and broke a broomstick over my neck the other day, and I screamed at you. So clearly I have some freaking anger problems that need to be address. And so I was kind of aware I had anger issues because I knew when I lost my temper, but I just wasn't aware of how damaging it was or how hurtful it was.
And the judgmental one was similar in that it hurt so bad when I realized what I was doing. This one was slightly different because I was 100% entirely unaware of it. And even now, a hundred years later, it still feels gross and uncomfortable to say this out loud because it's so far from my true north.
But I had unconsciously made a habit of judging other people and talking shit, and I don't know, looking down on other people, it sucks, but again, when the examples were brought to my attention, it was like fucking undeniable. And obviously it needed to be fixed. And I'm about to share with you how I did.
But the first step in emotional maturity is self-awareness and being willing to be introspective with a little bit of humility. And at that time, I just didn't have the miles under my belt. The experience enduring pain and suffering, um, maturity to grow my empathy muscles and my kindness like I have now.
So I would just challenge you even though it's very uncomfortable at times, particularly if you've done damage. Don't be afraid to always have a growth mindset and be willing to investigate your own behavior and see if you need to course correct and learn to be aware of how your body language and the way you're expressing yourself affects your own happiness and wellness and those that you care about.
And so let's get to how I solved this problem so that you can apply it as. First, I was just like, this sucks and I don't feel good, and I just kind of had to sit in the discomfort for a little while because when you get bad news or you're having difficult emotions, Sometimes you just gotta feel it to heal it, and then you can take action.
But I had no idea how to take the action to course correct because I was brand new at Emotions and communication, and this was the old days where there was no smartphones and stuff. So I'm gonna age myself here a little bit. I went down to the Phoenix Public Library and I got on their computer system and looked up anger and judgment.
And I found an audiobook on cd, and it was by an author named Jack Cornfield and he really is a genius at teaching about the mind. And human emotions and psychology and behavioral change.
And so maybe some of you old fogies like me, remember that badass yellow Sony discman with the gray buttons? Well, I'm not usually one to brag, but I had one of those bad boys and it was super. And so I borrowed that Jack Cornfield audiobook from the library and I threw it in my high-tech disc man.
And I just started taking my ass to school. And I learned from Jack that day one of the most profound teachings that went on to dramatically change and improve my life. And it's gonna change and improve your life too. And what that is, is that what you resist persists. So let me break this down as to how this plays out in real life so that you can create the life that you want and change your thought patterns and behaviors that you don't enjoy.
In my case, I was trying to stop having angry outbursts and quit being judgmental, but this could be anything. Shame, worry, whatever those thoughts and feelings and behaviors, they're like cars on a street, okay? And it's natural. You want to stop the cars flying by on your neighborhood street because your kids are.
So you step out in front of the first car and you put your hand up in that first car he slams on his brakes so he doesn't hit you right? And then the car behind it slams on its brakes, and then the third car rear ends the second car, and so on and so forth. And instead of stopping your thoughts, a k a, these cars.
You have a huge cluster fuck pile up of thoughts, fears, worries, and anxieties because you can't stop thoughts and feelings and emotions by trying to stop thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It's weird, but it's true. You actually grow them that way. That's why it's called what you Resist persists. The mind is weird and pesky, and it sucks sometimes, and a lot of the stuff that works for it is totally counterintuitive and opposite to what you would think would work.
And so when I said I don't want to be angry anymore, the anger was just growing. My brain was focusing on the anger, resistance, and persistence was accumulating, and it was counterproductive. And this is where the pink elephant comes into play from the beginning of the episode. The pink elephant represents whatever thought pattern, habit or behavior or emotion that you're trying to eliminate and thinking about him or telling him to go away.
It just doesn't work because thoughts and emotions are weird, egotistical bastards, and they wanna be acknowledged before they go. So what you have to do is consciously acknowledge the thought and then choose to redirect your attention onto something else. And just like with physical fitness, you don't get like totally in shape right away.
This is a new exercise and you're training and changing your mind. So it's gonna take a little bit of time and effort, but trust me, the mind ownership results are totally worth it. And so the minute you recognize it, you're actually gonna talk to your brain and it's gonna feel kind of strange. But once you start really observing your mind, you're gonna realize that you're actually talking to yourself nonstop anyways.
So let's say you get cut off in traffic, you're angry and the anger is justified, right? But being angry is like holding onto hot coals and you are the only one who's getting burned. So you wanna let go of those hot motherfuckers, but because what you resist persists, if you try to ignore or fight the anger, you actually clinch down tighter onto it and get burned more.
So instead, and hang with me here cuz it's gonna get a little bit bizarre. But you actually say in your mind, okay, brain, that's anger. Thank you, but I don't need it. I'm moving my attention back to the music or back to my breath, or back to the road where you should be paying attention anyways. Or back to my footsteps if I'm walking.
Or like you have worry and fear and anxiety in your shower. Okay, brain, that's worry. Thank you. I recognize it. I'm moving back to the smell of the soap or the feel of the hot water. And that's kind of like a meditation. In meditation when we're on the. We keep coming back to the breath when we recognize that our mind has distracted us, and you're building up muscle memory.
The point of meditation is really not to just sit around and do nothing all day. It's to sit there for 10 minutes and practice so that in real life when you have these thoughts and these feelings and these emotions that you don't like, You have muscle memory of redirecting your attention consciously because you're awesome and what you wanna focus on.
Rocks and your brain is a dick and he wants you to focus on all the bad stuff. So it's really good to do this practice, like do the meditation. In fact, I have some free meditations. There's some links in the show notes. If you do those meditations for five or 10 minutes a day, that trains your mind. And then when you're out in the real world, you practice this in real life too.
And overall, you develop thoughts and habits and patterns and emotions that you enjoy. And if you're a parent, this is a great skill, obviously, even if you're not to practice for your own wellbeing. But this is such an awesome skill to practice to teach your kids and you can work with them on this together because kids are dealing with all sorts of weird shit these days.
So like my son for example, he has anxiety and. I don't mean a little bit like he's fucking terrified and has legitimate anxiety. We're working with a psychiatrist on it and stuff, and this exercise helps so much. We work on it together a lot. And this could be self-esteem issues, anger issues, whatever your kids are dealing with, but in our case, it's fear and anxiety, right?
Well, fear and anxiety, they're the same thing. Basically. They're the, it's two sides of the same coin and anxiety is ruminating thought. And an overwhelming fear about something that may or may not happen in the future. And even if your fear is justified, because that thing in the future is really terrible.
Like I, I've had, you know, family members who are in hospice and they're dying, and you know that's gonna happen and it sucks. But the worrying about it is not helpful. And future tripping about it right now doesn't assist you when the time actually comes. And sometimes the thing you're worrying. May or may not actually happen.
And so you're just totally fucking up your present moment. And when that moment comes, it'll either not be as bad as you expected or it will be as bad as you expected, but you'll cope with it regardless. And right now, in your present moment, it's not happening. So we gotta get out of our head. But that pink elephant is so big and so loud, and he is stomping around in my kid's brain.
And so I'm teaching him to say, oh, hey, what's up, pink Elephant? You're all up in my Kool-Aid, so you're obviously trying to get my attention right now, but I can't focus on you because you're a toxic dickhead. And then the pink elephant like SLS off into the corner, all sad. And in this analogy, That actually makes me a little sad because I love animals so much.
But again, we're not talking about an elephant. You're talking about your thoughts, your fears, your worries, and your anxieties. So get in the corner, motherfucker. And so here's a final example that is more like grownup oriented that you might be able to relate to. I was a firefighter and I got injured on the job and I unexpectedly had to medically retire and all of a sudden my income was cut in.
I had medical bills and credit card debt like piling up through the roof, and that was obviously a very stressful time for me. But my stress, my fear, my worries, and my anxieties, they never paid a fucking bill and they robbed me of my present moment. And sometimes I wanted to sit down and enjoy a movie with my wife, even though our life circumstances were like a total cluster.
And we would put Netflix on, we'd be hanging out, and I'd be really trying to enjoy the movie. But those pesky bastard thoughts, they kept creeping in. You know, like, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna lose the house? How do I pay this bill? And every time I would just say, okay, brain, thank you. That's anxiety. I got the signal right now.
I can't do anything about it. So I'm just gonna enjoy this movie with Leslie. And over and over again, I would just redirect my attention back to the. And when your circumstances are really fucked, that elephant is gonna be loud, and he's gonna be obnoxious and persistent, and he's just gonna keep knocking on your door, and you just have to keep redirecting him.
And at first it'll take a hundred times and then 99 times, and then 98 times. But keep at it because it eventually becomes automatic. Nowadays, I've done this practice so much and for so long, and I practice meditation so frequently that for the most part, I have inner peace and tranquility like 24 7, regardless of really chaotic and challenging external circumstances, even very ill and dying loved one.
Now don't get this twisted. I still feel emotions. Of course. I still feel sad when some, when I'm losing somebody or when my family is hurting, or I still get a little frustrated when somebody's being a total dick to me because feelings, thoughts, and emotions, that's all part of the human experience. But to be able to control them and turn them off and not have them amplify your pain into suffer.
Is fucking magical. You can rewire your brain to automatically be calm and quiet, or be your inner cheerleader, or at least not stress you out as much as it's doing. Now, there's always gonna be a pink elephant, right? But now you've trained the pink elephant, and that motherfucker knows he's stuck in the backyard.
And every once in a while he comes in and he. Hey, why can the dog be in here? I want to be in here. And you're like, no, because the dog is fucking awesome. And you stink. Your muddy, your poop is giant, and you represent fear, stress, worry, anxiety, and bad habits. Get the fuck in the backyard. And he's like, okay, I'll go in the backyard.
Because you've trained that motherfucker, you've trained your mind, and you're no longer at the mercy of your thoughts. You no longer throw adult temper tantrums. You're not inundated with stress and worry and anxiety, and it's awesome and you deserve that. And so let's close out here. Let me give you three key takeaways from today's episode.
Number one, you're a brave and mature warrior, so you're no longer gonna run away from, ignore, or try to stop your negative thought patterns or your problematic behaviors. Instead, you're gonna acknowledge them and then you are gonna take over your inner dialogue. Number two, when you do that and the elephant SLS off into the corner, there's now a vacuum in your mind and your mind is a dick, and it's gonna fill it back up with bullshit unless you consciously take control of where you redirect your attention.
And number three, this one may be the most important. Be persistent and be patient. This stuff is brand new and your thought patterns are deeply ingrained, but you are worth the effort and you deserve inner peace and happiness. Fuck, stress, fuck, anger, and fuck anxiety. Go train that elephant. You have got this, and in order to help you along with that, download my free ebook.
I'll leave a link in the show notes. It's called Your Guide to Grit, growth and Gratitude, and it's a compilation of a bunch of exercises that you can put into practice right away. It's guaranteed to level up your happiness and turn down the volume on all of the bad vibe, bullshit that the mind is always trying to throw your way.
It's totally free and it's really helpful. So I'd love it if you check it out and let me know what you think. And that's a wrap of today's episode. Thank you so much for your time and your energy and your attention. Remember, stay calm and stay strong. Peace. Thanks for listening. This has been grit, growth, and gratitude with Joe Specter.
Your source for mental and emotional fitness. Just because you're struggling doesn't mean you are failing. Remember that?
